


What Was and What Should Have Been

by consultingpiemaker



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, because that is what Neil deserves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-11 03:44:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7027111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/consultingpiemaker/pseuds/consultingpiemaker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil's life is hard, but luckily he has friends who are always there for him. This story includes confessions of feelings, new beginnings, secret meetings in the cave, more confessions, a theatrical performance, and a happy ending. In short: This is the story Neil deserves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, the first chapter is set in 1958, so exactly one year before Todd comes to Welton Academy.

Tradition, honor, discipline, excellence. Another year at Welton was about to begin, and all of the students and teachers as well as family members were more or less attentively listening to Mr. Nolan's yearly welcoming speech. He talked about a "fervent dedication to the principles" and praised the school and its history.

After the ceremony, the school lawn in front of the building got crowded as parents said goodbye to their sons.

Neil and his parents had already thanked Mr. Nolan for the speech and were now standing underneath a tree not far away from the entrance. While Neil's mother was looking at him and keeping herself from fixing his hair and the slightly askew tie, Neil's father had started his own yearly speech of telling Neil to "be a perfect student" and to "make me and your mother proud", nothing Neil hasn't heard before. At one point he furtively looked into the direction of the building and caught Charlie's eyes, who was also talking to his parents and had obviously stopped listening as well. Charlie smirked and raised one of his eyebrows in a "why don't they just leave and stop telling us what to do" manner. Neil returned the smirk and then looked back at his father who luckily hadn't noticed the lack of interest of his son.

"Yes, sir," Neil simply said when his father stopped talking. It was always the right thing to say to him. Neil's mother smiled at her son and then reached out to fix his tie before they would leave. It frustrated Neil that she never really spoke to him, especially not in situations like this and in presence of her husband.

Other parents were leaving as well, and Mr. and Mrs. Perry got back to their car after telling Neil one last time, "You will not disappoint us." He looked after his parents and then joined Charlie and Meeks who were standing near the entrance, waiting for their friends.

"Are you ready for another year at Hellton?" Charlie asked as Neil approached.

"You should be careful, Nolan might still be around," Meeks said and looked around to make sure that he was wrong. Charlie only replied with a shrug. Let Nolan hear about _Hellton_ , he didn't care.

"Have you been to the dorms yet?" Neil asked and squinted into the sun. It was a lovely fall day, far too nice to be going back to school.

"We were just about to leave," Charlie replied, and because Knox was still talking to his parents and receiving lots of kisses from his mother and Pitts was nowhere in sight, they decided to go upstairs.

In their respective rooms they started to unpack their suitcases and were interrupted by lots of students passing by and saying hello. Tom, the school annual's editor, knocked on the doorframe to get Neil's attention.

"Hey Neil, good to see you. Just to remind you, there is going to be a meeting tomorrow to discuss our plans for the annual, so make sure not to miss it."

"Thanks, Tom, I'll be there," Neil replied with a smile. He was looking forward to this year's annual because last year he did a great job and got told so by the people in charge, who also said if he keeps going like this he might get the opportunity to be assistant editor next year. Last year when he proudly told his parents about his participation in the school annual, they weren't as thrilled as he thought they would be. Immediately, his father asked him if his grades would be affected by that, but Neil assured him that that wasn't the case. The school annual was his favourite extra curricular activity and he wouldn't want to miss it.

There was a shuffling noise coming from the corridor as Neil's roommate Peter carried two suitcases into the room. "Hey Neil, nice to see you."

Neil smiled at Peter and sat down on his bed to make room for him to move. "You too. How was your holiday?"

"We went to visit family, so it was pretty boring. How about you?"

"I missed Welton."

"Sure you did." Peter shot a glance at Neil and could tell that he was joking. "Didn't we all?" he added and then started to unpack his luggage.

Neil got up to leave the room and patted Peter on the back as he did. Charlie spotted him leaving and joined him to go to Knox' room. The boy was standing with the back to the door, but Charlie's low "Knooox" made him turn around. His face lit up and a smile spread across his lips as he saw his friends.

"Hey, how's it going?" Abandoning his open suitcase, Knox joined his friends at the door. "It's nice to be back, isn't it?"

"Speak for yourself, Knoxious," Charlie replied and received a playful hit on the shoulder which just made him laugh more.

"Did you have to do summer school, Neil?"

"Luckily not. You?"

"Kind of. My mother got me a tutor for trig because I only got a B last year, but I wasn't complaining because my tutor was Nancy and she –"

"Is your girlfriend now?" Charlie received another hit on the shoulder, but this time not as playful.

"Shut up, Charlie," Knox grunted. "I don't want to talk about girls with _you_."

"Ouch, that hurts," Charlie fake-cried and pretended to have gotten hit in the heart.

Neil was smiling to himself because he had missed being around his friends all day, no matter how childish they sometimes behaved. But he really didn't want to talk about girls now, so he offered to get Meeks and Pitts so they can all go and have dinner.

The group walked to the cafeteria and sat down at their usual spot. On the first day back at Welton Academy, the school offered a particularly fancy meal to welcome everyone back. The conversations between the students and teachers died down as everyone filled up their plate and started eating.

After dinner the boys slowly went back upstairs, taking their time wandering through the halls. Neil was particularly anxious in that moment because he had set his mind on doing something he was dreading. He was even dreading simply thinking about it because he was legitimately scared about what might happen.

At home he had a lot of time to think and he had a sort of revelation about something which had been bugging him for a long time. What frustrated him the most was that he didn't have someone to talk about it with because he wouldn't dare tell his parents. Charlie was his obvious first choice, and now that they were reunited at school, Neil was overwhelmed again and couldn't get himself to approach his best friend.

Before he could get a hold of himself, they were all back to their rooms and Neil found himself sitting on his bed, silently and barely moving. His heart was racing and kept him on edge, and Peter was eyeing his roommate suspiciously.

"Is something wrong?"

His question startled Neil and he looked up as if he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Yeah no, it's fine. I just –" He gesticulated with his hand in front of his head. As if in trance, he stood up and made his way to the door. "I'm gonna go and try to clear my head."

Peter was about to ask if he needs anything but Neil had already closed the door behind him. Outside in the hallway he leaned against the doorframe and took in a deep breath to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to do. Occupied with his own thoughts, he didn't even notice the strange looks he got from other students who were returning to their rooms. But Neil couldn't care less, he was scared and excited at the same time, but he also couldn't wait to finally get this off his chest.

For a while he just stared at the door to Charlie's room which was slightly ajar. Gathering up all of his courage, he made a step forward and knocked on the door, tentatively. He pushed it open and leaned into the room. "Charlie? Can I talk to you?"

Charlie was rummaging through his wardrobe and stopped to turn around. "Sure," he replied and then continued with whatever he was doing. He didn't notice the look on Neil's face, but when he did he closed the wardrobe and focused on his friend. "Wanna go some place else?" he asked, motioning at Cameron to indicate that he would only disturb them. Neil nodded thankfully and took a step back so that Charlie could leave the room. Cameron looked up from his books with a confused look on his face, probably wondering if they would be back in time for study group, but he didn't say a word.

Sensing that it was something serious, Charlie suggested that they could go outside to have some privacy, and again Neil simply nodded. He followed Charlie down the stairs, passing a few other students and some teachers. For them it was just another normal day in their life, but not for Neil. Every step he took resonated through his whole body and he was painfully aware of everything that was happening around him.

He couldn't think of another time when he was as nervous as he was now, there was nothing compared to what he was going through at that exact moment.

They made their way outside to walk down towards the lake. Some shouts from a game of soccer filled the air, and the wind was making a rustling noise as it blew through the trees.

"Do you want to sit down somewhere or walk?"

"Walk," Neil replied, as the adrenaline that was running through his veins wouldn't let him calm down.

For a while they just walked silently beside each other. Charlie had his hands in his pockets and was looking up at the sun that was about to set, and then he looked at Neil, who was intently staring at the path in front of his feet.

"Is it something about your family?" Charlie broke the silence between them and felt that if he started the conversation then it might be easier for Neil to tell him what was bothering him.

"No," Neil replied and took in a sharp breath to prepare for what he was about to say. "It's not about my family, at least not directly."

"Did something happen during the summer break?" The more agitated Neil behaved, the more Charlie was concerned that it was something serious. "Did you kill someone?" he joked and laughed, and thankfully he could see that Neil laughed as well.

"If only. That would be easier to explain." Neil ran his hand through his hair and tried to put the strands of hair back into place because the wind kept blowing them into his face. "You have to promise me that you will not talk to anyone about this. Not your friends, not your family, _anyone_."

"Why would I even want to tell my family?"

"I'm serious about this, Charlie. It's taking me all my courage to even tell _you_ about this, but I need someone to talk to," Neil explained and the tone of his voice made sure that he meant every word he said. "And I know I can trust you," he added.

Charlie stopped and put his arm up to grab Neil's shoulder to make him stop as well. He wanted to meet Neil's eyes, but he was still staring at the ground. "Neil, look at me," he said, his voice demanding but yet full of concern. Neil sighed and then raised his head and looked at his best friend, whose eyes seemed to be staring right into his soul. "You can trust me with _everything_ , Neil, and you know that damn well."

Neil noticed that he was nodding and then smiled at his best friend because in that moment he believed that everything would be fine. Charlie will understand him, won't he? Now he just had to find a way to put this into words.

"You know how you always keep talking about girls? And about all those girlfriends you have at home that I'm sure are totally not made up?"

"They very much exist, but keep going."

"I just was never interested in that sort of thing, and I think I know why."

"Maybe you –" Charlie began to say but Neil interrupted him before saying one of the worst things he could say in a situation like this.

"Don't try to tell me that I just haven't found the right girl yet," Neil said, his voice quite stern and bitter. "I know that's not true," he added in a softer tone. He wanted to say so much more but he could feel his throat tightening and making it difficult to speak. His attempts to try and make it go away or even just ignore it were in vain.

Charlie had gotten quiet and turned around to face Neil who was wiping at his eyes. It surprised both of them that he was crying, and Charlie felt a pang in his chest when he heard the first sob. As he was processing this, it dawned on him what Neil was probably trying to say to him, and he instinctively put his arms around his best friend who was completely breaking down at this point. With one hand on the back of Neil's head and the other one on his back, Charlie felt close to tears as well when he realized how serious this actually was.

All of the emotions that Neil had bottled up were finally disclosed, and he was just relieved that he didn't have to keep his secret all to himself anymore. Once he had calmed down a bit and processed that he was still clinging onto Charlie as if he was the only thing keeping him alive, he slowly backed away from him so that he only had Charlie's arm around his shoulders. He liked it that way, he felt protected.

"Just to make sure I understood it correctly, are you telling me you're not interested in girls?"

Neil turned his head around and looked him into the eyes. There was so much desperation in Neil's eyes that he didn't have to answer for Charlie to take it as a yes.

"That's okay," Charlie continued, starting to rub Neil's shoulder in comfort. "So you…" He gesticulated with his hands instead of elaborating.

"Please don't make me say it out loud," Neil said, "I just can't, not yet."

Charlie cleared his throat and started to keep walking because he didn't want any of the other students to stare at them and wonder what was happening. "Did I ever tell you about my uncle Walter?"

Wondering about the relevance of that now, Neil replied, "I think so?"

"Well, he, uh," Charlie began, "he's also never had a girlfriend or a wife, but the most important thing is that he's happy. There are a lot of people who disagree with his lifestyle, as does my father. My uncle's only been at our house once ever since he told us, but he sends me a lot of letters which my parents don't know."

Neil was listening with rapt attention. A part of him had expected Charlie to freak out and end their friendship right away, which had scared him the most and was the reason he almost didn't tell him. But now, feelings of fear and concern were taken over by relief and joy. Neil was incredibly happy, considering how miserable he had been at home.

"He's also found someone," Charlie continued. "He likes to call him his better half, which is just sweet. My parents don't even say that about each other."

Neil couldn't help but smile at that. What he was feeling was something indescribable, and he finally felt that his feelings have been validated. "Thanks, Charlie," he said for lack of better words.

"You're perfect the way you are, Neil. I know it sounds stupid, but it's the truth. You're my best friend and I love you no matter what," Charlie said and tightened his grip on Neil's shoulder. "But, sorry, not in that way."

Neil was happy that Charlie was already back to joking, so he played along and clenched his hand into a fist to show his disappointment. "Damn, all of my flirting with you was for _nothing_!"

Charlie laughed out loud and gently patted his back. He was flattered and thankful that Neil trusted him enough to tell him about this in the first place, and he was proud of his friend. "You'll be fine, Neil."

"I do hope so."

"Just take care and surround yourself with nice and accepting people."

"You make it sound so easy," Neil sighed. "I'm scared of telling my parents, I'm sure they'd hate me and disown me and –"

Charlie interrupted him. "You don't have to tell them, Neil, not as long as you don't want to. I know your father, and let's just say that he's not the nicest person on this planet. So if you feel that he will not approve, don't tell him as long as you still depend on him."

Neil shook his head. "I won't."

"Only tell people you know you can trust. I need you to take care of yourself."

"I will," Neil assured him. "Thank you, Charlie."

"You'll be fine, I promise. I'll make sure of it."

"You know what? I have never heard you say such nice words before, I'm a bit worried about you. Are you even the real Charlie?"

"I can stop if you want," Charlie said and shrugged. "But if you ever need to talk to that sensible version of myself again, I will be there for you."

Neil laughed out loud. "I'm very glad to have you in my life, both the sensible and the real you."

"Aw, you flatter me!" Charlie put his hands on his heart and batted his eyelashes jokingly.

"Now you know what Meeks always feels like when you do it."

What started as a scary day turned out to be a nice and exciting day, thanks to Charlie's words of comfort and encouragement. And now, as it was getting darker and colder outside due to the lack of sunshine, the two boys went back to the dorms and their respective rooms. Charlie stood in the doorframe to Neil's room for a short while and just watched him.

"Stop staring at me like that," Neil said and flung his pillow at him which Charlie caught easily.

"I'm just thinking about who I should set you up with because this changes all of my plans that I had for you. Is there anyone around who you fancy? You have no idea how lucky you are that this is an all-boys school." If looks could kill, Charlie would have dropped dead right then and there. This only encouraged him more, and he had no intention of stopping. "I always thought Meeks is kinda cute, so what about –"

"Alright, enough for today," Neil interrupted him and grabbed him by the shoulders to make him turn around. "I think it's time for you to leave, Charlie, thank you _very_ much for what you said earlier and not so much for what you said just now."

"How about Knox?"

"Good night, Charlie." Neil shoved him out of the door and back into his own room. "See you tomorrow." Instead of saying anything, Charlie just smiled mischievously and winked, which caused Neil to groan and close the door right in front of his face.

Back in his own room, Neil quickly sorted out his clothes when the door opened and Peter was entering the room with a frown.

"What have you been up to?"

Neil quickly picked up the pillow that was still lying on the floor. "I just went for a walk with Charlie."

"A walk?"

"You know when you're somewhere and then your legs take you from one place to another and –"

"No need to be so defensive, Neil, I just assumed you were studying with your group as you always do."

"I had more important matters today."

"Okay then," Peter said and shrugged. "None of my business, I get it."

"Sorry, it's just that it's private."

"You _do_ know that we share a room, right?" Peter laughed. "But no, it's fine. And by the way, you only have to endure my presence for another year because my family is going to move next summer."

This took Neil by surprise and he sat down on his bed, watching Peter as he was putting some clothes into his wardrobe. "Really?" This was sad news, he liked Peter.

"Yes, I'm not thrilled about it, but I won't be shedding a tear about having to leave Welton."

Neil huffed a laugh and nodded. "Now I'm jealous, I'd appreciate it if you'd take me with you."

"Well, you can try and make yourself small enough to fit into my suitcase when I leave next summer."

"I'll consider it," Neil laughed and got up to fetch his dressing gown. "But only because you're going to leave me here alone."

"But you will get a new roommate and maybe you'll be as lucky as Charlie and get someone like Cameron." The smile Peter had on his face was mischievous which made Neil gasp theatrically.

"How dare you," he whispered and shook his head as if this was the worst thing Peter could have said to him. "I hope your next school is _exactly_ like Welton."

Now it was Peter's turn to act offended. "I hope your next roommate is even _worse_ than Cameron."

Neil held on tight to his dressing gown and then flung it across Peter's head who quickly put up his hands in defence.

Little did Neil know…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bye bye Peter, hello Todd! :)
> 
> If you want to, please let me know what you think. I have a rough outline of the story and in the next chapter we'll make a jump to 1959, and you all know what that means...


	2. Then Everything Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later. Neil's life was about to change because of two people: his new roommate and his new English teacher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *arrives 10 months later with the second chapter*

Neil was leaning his head against the window on the drive back to Welton. His parents rarely said a word during car rides, so he had some time to mentally prepare for the next year at school. He had mixed feelings about it because his roommate Peter had left Welton which meant that there would be another student assigned to share a room with him. All that Neil was hoping was that it wouldn't be someone as annoying as Cameron.

The gravel underneath the car's tires made a crunching sound as Neil's father parked the car underneath a tree. In front of the school were lots of families taking photos of their sons who were about to start their first year at Welton Academy. Neil's parents got out of the car and walked towards the church, greeting other parents on the way. Neil followed them but then went up the stairs to a room because he was to carry a banner at the beginning of the ceremony.

He opened the door and was greeted by Knox and Cameron who were already holding their banners, _tradition_ and _discipline_. "Hey Neil, how are you?" Knox asked with a smile.

"Great," Neil answered and grabbed the last banner that was leaning against the table. "Good to see you." He positioned himself at the end of the line behind Knox and waited for the bagpipes to begin to play which would announce the start of the ceremony.

 _Excellence_. That was what was embroidered on the banner Neil had to hold. His father would be pleased to see this, but for Neil the pressure of excellence was quite a burden he had to carry, only now it was literally. He couldn't help but smile at this ironic coincidence. When the bagpipes started, the smile faded and he slowly followed Knox out of the room down into the church.

Neil felt special and also proud to be standing in front of his fellow students at that moment. He was looking around the room and then met Charlie's eyes who was sitting next to his parents in the middle of the room. Charlie winked at him and Neil had to suppress a laugh.

The bagpipes stopped and Mr. Nolan addressed the students and families. After praising Welton Academy, he turned around to point at the teachers behind him. Mr. Portius of the English department stood up on cue as Nolan said that he retired last term and a new teacher from London was going to take over. "Mr. John Keating," Nolan introduced the man, who was standing up from the pew behind him and smiling into the audience. Neil decided that he already liked him because his smile was genuine.

When the speech was over, Nolan walked through the church to position himself at the entrance to greet every family on their way out. Neil couldn't wait to meet his friends, so he hoped that all the parents in front of him wouldn't talk to Nolan too long. When it finally was his family's turn, his father greeted Nolan like an old friend. "We expect great things from you this year," said Nolan after facing Neil.

"Thank you, sir," Neil answered and immediately remembered one significant word. _Excellence._

Neil and his parents were already descending the stairs when Nolan called him back. "Neil, I would like you to introduce yourself to your new roommate, Todd Anderson." He pointed at a boy who had just left the church with his parents and now seemed to be on his way to get his luggage from the car.

"Will do, sir." While Neil caught up with his parents he looked into the direction of the boy who Nolan had pointed at. Somehow he expected to immediately be able to tell if they would get along or not. Neil's father was getting two suitcases out of the car and put them on the ground in front of him. When Neil joined them, his mother stepped forward to hug him and smile at him encouragingly.

"I'll miss you, Neil," she said and put her hand on Neil's cheek. Neil would miss her as well, so he returned her smile and said goodbye to her. Then he turned to his father and extended his hand.

"Make us proud, son," was all his father said. The smile on his face looked forced and it made Neil think of how different it was compared with the genuine smile from the new teacher earlier. Sometimes a smile said more than a thousand words.

"I will, sir." Neil shook his hand and then picked up the two suitcases. His parents got into their car, so Neil turned around and walked up the path to the school entrance. He noticed that Todd was only a few meters in front of him. He ran as best as he could with two suitcases in his hands to catch up with him.

"Hey," he said as he reached him. The boy turned around as if he was unsure if he was meant or someone else. He looked a bit shocked when he realized that it was in fact him. "I hear we're gonna be roommates. I'm Neil Perry."

"Todd Anderson," the boy replied and smiled at Neil. _Another smile_ , Neil thought. They had both stopped walking and were standing in the way of the other students, so they started to move again.

"So what brings you to Hellton?" Neil asked as they made their way into the building and up the stairs to the dormitory.

Todd huffed out a laugh when he understood what Neil meant by Hellton. "My parents wanted me to because my brother went here."

"So you're that Anderson? Your brother was valedictorian?"

"Yes."

"Big shoes to fill, huh?"

"Yes."

"Welcome to the club of having to make your parents proud." Neil led Todd to their room and he put his luggage on the bed on the right side. Todd mirrored him and then they started to unpack their stuff.

Neil's first impression of Todd was that he was reserved and quiet, but maybe that was because it was Todd's first day at Welton. New people, new environment, and a stranger to share a room with, Neil could understand and relate to Todd's timidity from his own first day at this school. But he was sure that Todd would warm up soon, it might take a couple of days.

After a minute of silence, Todd asked, "Can you tell me where the bathroom is?"

Neil looked up from his folded clothes and pointed to his right. "Just down the hall, you can't miss it."

"Thanks." Todd smiled and slowly left the room.

Seconds later there was a knock on the door even though it was open. Neil looked up and met Charlie's eyes.

"So… he's cute, right?" Charlie said with a smirk, raised his eyebrows, and tilted his head into the direction where Todd had just left.

Neil was holding shirts in his hands but he put them down forcefully and shot him a disapproving glance. "Can you please say it louder so that everyone can hear you? At least close the door."

Charlie made a step forward and did as he was told. He was still smirking. "So you agree?"

"Charlie," Neil hissed through gritted teeth and he would have loved to wipe that satisfied smirk from his best friend's face, but he also noticed how his heart had picked up speed. It dawned on him that he was blushing because Charlie might have voiced something that he was actually thinking but didn't dare say out loud.

"Just messing with you. What's his name?"

"Todd."

"And is he nice? Or do we have a second Cameron?"

"He seems nice, but I think he needs some time to get used to Welton."

"Alright," commented Charlie. He had sat down on Neil's bed and was leaning against the headboard, watching Neil as he was unpacking his things. His voice sounded a bit more serious when he asked, "So, how was your time at home? Did anything happen?"

Neil's body went stiff and he could feel an unpleasant feeling in his stomach. He knew what Charlie was talking about. It had been exactly a year since he confessed to him that he wasn't interested in girls, and so far Charlie was the only person who knew. "Nothing changed," Neil said as he leaned against his desk and stared out of the window. He still felt uncomfortable talking about it. "I, uh, I just kept to myself and–"

"Suffered quietly," Charlie interrupted him.

Neil shook his head. "I'm not suffering, not really. I mean, what else could I do? I have accepted that it is what it is and that I just have to wait a few more years until I live on my own." All of this he had said quite quickly, and it sounded as if he had been thinking about this a lot. He averted his eyes from the window and stared at his hands instead. "It sucks, but I'll get through it," he added quietly.

The smirk on Charlie's face was gone by now and he looked concerned. He sat up, swung his legs off the bed and rested his hands on his knees. "I just need you to know that you're safe with me, Neil," he said. "I'm always there for you if you need me. I don't want you thinking that you have to go through this alone."

"Thanks, Charlie. And I know–"

There was a faint knock on the door which startled both of them. The door was opened cautiously and Todd peeked his head into room. "Sorry, I didn't know if I could just come in or if you–"

Neil reached out and opened the door wider because Todd was still standing in the hallway. "No reason to be sorry, this is your room as well." Looking at the ground, Todd stepped into the room and then noticed that somebody else was in there. Neil cleared his throat and introduced them. "Todd, this is Charlie."

Charlie got up from the bed and offered his hand to him. "Nice to meet you, Todd."

Todd shook his hand and replied, "Nice to meet you, too."

"His room's right across the hall, so you'll be seeing more of him in the future," Neil explained.

"Maybe also the fact that I'm your best friend has something to do with that." Charlie laughed and patted Neil on the back as he passed him on his way out of the room. "I'm gonna finish unpacking now."

When he was already in the hallway, Neil called after him, "Charlie?"

"Yes?"

"You were right." Charlie knitted his eyebrows in confusion, so Neil had to elaborate. "About what you said earlier?" And to make it totally clear, Neil made a slight motion with his head into Todd's direction. He shrugged and smiled. "I agree."

It took Charlie another few seconds, but then he remembered the first words he said to Neil. _He's cute._ A smile spread on Charlie's face, but Neil's smile was even wider.

Out of courtesy Todd didn't ask what they were talking about. He kept to himself while he continued putting his clothes into his wardrobe. When he was done he slid the empty suitcase underneath his bed and started to arrange his desk set.

"Would you be interested in a tour around the school?" Neil asked. Todd looked up from setting his clock and he seemed a bit confused. "If you want to, I can show you around. Just so you know where everything is."

Todd's eyes lit up and he nodded. "Oh, that would be nice, thanks."

A few minutes later Neil was leading Todd around the school grounds. He started with their classroom and went on to the cafeteria before they went outside. The area around Welton was wide and looked especially pretty during this time of year. The leaves on some trees had started to turn yellow, some of them even red, and when the sunlight was directly shining onto them the colors seemed to be glowing. It was beautiful.

"This is so much nicer than Balincrest," Todd said as he looked around and literally did a full twirl.

Neil found himself staring at Todd rather than the nature around them. Compared with how reserved he was earlier, he seemed to be feeling more comfortable in Neil's presence already. "Yes, it can be quite nice here."

They were walking down the hill towards the dock which was one of Neil's favorite spots. He often liked to sit down with a book, his legs dangling over the edge, or he would watch the rowing team practice. One time he and Charlie had gotten in trouble when Charlie kept looking over at Neil and flexing his muscles every time he rowed. Neil and Charlie were the only ones laughing and they were later told off by the teacher to keep their eyes on the task at hand.

They had reached the dock and the wood underneath their shoes was resounding through the air. "Wanna sit down?" Neil asked. Todd nodded and so they sat down on the planks, their legs dangling over the edge. Their feet were only centimeters above the water. Todd lowered his foot deliberately close to the surface and when his shoe made contact with the water tiny circular waves started to form. He watched them until they started to fade out.

"So what do you like to do?" Neil asked after a moment of silence. "Do you play any instruments? Any sports?" He noticed that he was always the first one to talk, but he figured that this was just Todd's manner.

"I did soccer at Balincrest, so Mr. Nolan decided I should do that here as well. He said I would enjoy it, but I'd much rather do rowing," Todd answered and looked across the lake as if he was imagining what rowing there must be like. "But at least I get to work on the school's annual."

Neil's eyes lit up. "Really? Me too!" In his excitement he had grabbed Todd's arm. "I'm assistant editor this year," he explained, not hiding how proud he was. He let go of Todd's arm again and then put his hands to his sides so that he could lean back a bit. "I'm really looking forward to it. It's gonna be great."

Todd smiled and looked at the bank on the other side of the river. There was nothing but open fields and trees to see. It looked inviting for a solitary stroll on a sunny day, which Todd wondered if he would ever be able to do.

Minutes passed by as they both exchanged stories from their lives. Only briefly they talked about their families, but both of them got the vibe that they would rather not. They learned that they had their favorite subject in common which was English.

"I can't say yet how it's going to be this year because there's a new English teacher," Neil said.

"Mr. Keating," Todd said when he remembered the ceremony earlier.

"I guess we'll just have to wait for tomorrow to see what he's like."

Neil looked at his watch and noticed that dinner would begin soon. He wasn't hungry yet, he would rather continue sitting here until the sun went down entirely. But he got up and dusted off any dirt from his pants. Then he and Todd headed to the cafeteria and joined the others.

"There you are, Neil," Charlie said when Neil sat down next to him. "We've been wondering where you were."

Neil offered Todd the chair on his other side and Todd sat down thankfully. "I was just showing Todd around."

"Oh, you're Neil's new roommate!" Knox said, always the last one to realize what was fairly obvious. "Nice to meet you! I'm Knox."

"I'm Todd."

Neil took over and introduced the rest of his friends. "Todd, this is Meeks, Cameron, and Pitts. And you already know Charlie." Charlie winked at Todd when Neil said his name. When Neil noticed that he rolled his eyes. But that was just what Charlie was like.

For the most part Todd just ate his dinner and listened to the students around him. He had always had a hard time joining groups, which is why he was thankful that Neil made it a bit easier for him. He was also relieved that the others were all very nice and welcoming towards him, but in retrospect he didn't know what else he had expected.

After dinner they walked back to the dormitory. Charlie and Knox were walking with Todd, which made Neil happy. As Todd's roommate, he felt responsible to help him settle in, which seemed to be working. But as always, Cameron was there to dampen the mood.

"So what do you think of him, Neil? I think he looks like a stiff."

Neil tensed up as if he was hurt personally. He looked into Todd's direction to make sure he hadn't heard what Cameron had said. "I think you need to give him a chance. It's his first day."

Pitts appeared on Neil's other side. "Yeah, Cameron, you've known him for less than an hour, so who are you to judge? Besides, you're not his roommate."

"Yeah, Cameron," added Meeks who was walking behind them. "Your only concern should be Charlie and his shenanigans." Neil huffed out a laugh and was pleased when he heard Cameron groan. They were walking upstairs and went to their respective rooms, except Meeks who followed Neil into his room.

"Hey Todd, you are very welcome to join us in the student lounge. We have a study group and always meet up there."

"Thanks, but, uh, I think I'll just stay here tonight," Todd replied and pressed his lips together in an apologetic but thankful smile.

"Alright. How about you, Neil?"

"I'll be there in a second."

"Perfect," Meeks answered and left again.

Neil turned towards Todd. "So? What's your first impression of Hellton?"

"It's, uh, it's nice, I like it," Todd replied. "Also thank you for your help today, I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome, Todd, anytime." Neil picked up a notebook from his desk and opened the door. "I'm gonna go and join the others now. If you change your mind –" He made a gesture into the direction of the student lounge.

"Yes, I know. Thank you." Todd smiled and put his hands underneath his legs and shifted his weight onto them. He looked very small, his posture couldn't be more reserved.

Neil understood. "Alright, I'll leave you alone now." He gave Todd one last reassuring smile and then left the room.

Finally able to take a deep breath, Todd leaned back on his bed and rested his head against the wall. He would have liked to join the others, but he also craved some alone time. Maybe he'd join them the next day, but for now he'd had enough.

If he had known what would happen the next day, he wouldn't have had such a hard time falling asleep that night.

+             +            +             +             +

 _Carpe diem_. Two words that would change the boys' lives forever. Besides the piles of assignments, this phrase was what the boys took along from the first day of classes. It was a phrase used by their new English teacher, Mr. Keating. Neil had been right in assuming that he would be a great and different teacher. He was whistling songs, made all his students leave the constraints of the classroom, and he didn't just simply recite poetry but put the words he said in perspective. Neil had left the classroom with a feeling of hope. For the first time he was genuinely excited for another English lesson.

Neil wasn't the only boy who had enjoyed the class immensely. That afternoon when he and his friends were outside all they were talking about was Mr. Keating.

"Mr. Keating gets it," said Charlie. "Literature, poetry – it's not there for us to be analyzed, we are supposed to _feel_ it, to _live_ it."

"I don't know, Charlie. I'm a bit skeptical about what we're gonna learn in his class."

"Cameron, if you don't like it, that's your problem. But I believe that Mr. Keating is the first teacher who is actually going to teach us something about life."

"Carpe diem," said Pitts.

"See? Pittsie gets it!"

Charlie had gotten hold of a ball which he started to kick around with the others. Neil wasn't in the mood, he was deep in thought. There was one thought in particular that occupied his mind and wouldn't let him go. When Mr. Keating led them all out of the classroom earlier and into the hallway he made them aware of how precious their lives were and that they shouldn't waste it. And especially the way Mr. Keating had said it was what impressed Neil. It made such a big difference whether literature is just read out loud or if it is performed in a way that provides a completely different point of view at the words.

Neil was staring at his friends absent-mindedly, his eyes not focusing on anything. He was brought back into reality when he noticed movement in the corner of his right eye as someone sat down next to him. Turning around, he noticed that it was Todd. They both smiled at each other.

"Right, you don't actually like soccer that much," Neil remembered and gestured towards his friends.

Todd pulled up his legs in order to put his arms around them, making himself as small as possible. _Still in defensive mode_ , Neil thought. Todd shrugged and then answered, "I'd rather join you here."

Neil smiled at that and leaned over so that his shoulder bumped Todd's. "Thanks," he said, and Todd slightly turned his head, resting it on his knees, and met Neil's eyes. He quickly looked away again as if he had been caught doing something forbidden.  

Charlie had just kicked the ball into Cameron's direction who was now complaining that he deliberately aimed at his head. Charlie mumbled something that sounded like, "Did not" and then he looked into Neil's direction and smirked when Cameron went to get the ball. He _definitely_ did. Neil shook his head disapprovingly but he was smiling.

After a while of just sitting in the sun and watching his friends, Neil turned towards Todd again. "So what do you think about Mr. Keating's English lesson?" Of course this was all he wanted to talk about. He was eager to know if others were as affected by Keating's words as he was.

Todd let go of his legs and leaned back a bit. "I thought it was great. Not the way teachers taught at Balincrest, but–" He stopped, not intending to go on.

"It's also not how teachers teach here, to be honest," Neil replied and plucked out a handful of grass which he tore into more and more pieces. "You might have noticed, the other classes are quite dull. But Mr. Keating is different, and I can't wait for tomorrow."

"Me neither."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have no idea how thrilled I am that Todd is finally in this story! And also Mr. Keating!  
> I hope you liked this chapter :) Feel free to tell me what you thought and maybe also what you'd want to happen.  
> And maybe the third chapter is not going to take me almost a year...


	3. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finding their English teacher’s yearbook the boys only have one question: What is the Dead Poets Society? They find the answer on a secret adventure during the night. And Keating’s assignment to write an original poem poses a serious problem to Todd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *arrives late with the third chapter, but this time only 8 months*

_Dead Poets Society_ – That's what it said right underneath John Keating's picture in the yearbook. Knox had found it earlier that day, and now he and his friends were all hunched over it and wondering about that society. Nobody had heard of it before, which is probably why they were so fascinated by it. To satisfy their curiosity they went looking for the teacher.

They found him outside taking a stroll on his own. "Mr. Keating? O Captain, my Captain?" Neil asked him when the footsteps of a whole group made Keating turn around. "What is the Dead Poets Society?" At the mention of the name, a smile appeared on his face.

"Where did you hear about it?" he asked. Knox held up the yearbook which Keating recognized instantly. "Ah, the good old times. Well, gentlemen, the Dead Poets Society was, as the name might already suggest, a society about poets."

"Dead ones," Charlie added.

"Yes, Mr. Dalton, most of them were already dead, regrettably. It's a tragic fact of life that the ones who die never truly know how much they were admired." He looked at Neil, and for whatever reason a shiver ran down the boy's spine.

"So what did the society do?" Meeks asked.

"We enjoyed poetry, mostly," Keating answered with a smirk. "We all admired what one can do with language, so we started a society to celebrate writers who had a brilliant way with words."

"Walt Whitman?"

"Of course, but not just him. Keats, Poe, Tennyson – everyone. We weren't picky. Sometimes we read original poems. But it didn't matter _what_ we read, it was _how_ we read it." Keating said this with a mischievous smile on his face which made the boys giggle. "We spent hours in that cave," Keating added, seemingly more to himself, reminiscing for a brief moment.

Charlie wasn't sure if he had heard correctly. "A cave?"

"Yes, Mr. Dalton, we met in an actual cave. Not a big one, but just big enough so we could all fit in it."

"Where was it?"

"Beyond the stream. If you follow the stream to the waterfall, you can't miss it," Keating explained.

"Do you care to join us, Captain?"

"Why, boys, I've already had my fair share. Now it's _your_ time to let the words drip from your tongues like honey."

"Good, 'cause I'm hungry," Charlie said which made everyone laugh.

Keating threw one last glance at the yearbook in Knox' hands before he said, "Have fun, gentlemen." With a warm smile on his face he turned around, continuing his walk around campus, his whistling accompanying him.

They were all staring after their English teacher. Everyone was in a similar state of anticipation, hanging on Keating's every word just like they did during English lessons. Without having to say it out loud the boys knew where they were going that night.

Not everyone was immediately up for it though. Todd was hesitant about joining, and it took Neil a while to convince him to come to their first society meeting. Luckily they both were at the weekly school's annual meeting, so Neil took this opportunity to talk to Todd. As assistant editor, he was walking around the room to see if anyone needed help. Having other intentions at that moment, he stopped in front of the desk where Todd was working on an article. Right now _working_ meant staring at the sheet of paper in front of him with a blank expression on his face.

"What are you dreaming about?"

Todd jumped with fright but relaxed as he realized it was only Neil. He put his hands on the paper and started pushing it around as if that would show that he is working. "Sorry, I'm just, uh, thinking."

"I didn't mean to startle you," Neil said and half-sat, half-leaned down on the edge of the desk next to Todd's still fidgeting hands. He didn't want everyone to listen to their conversation, so he lowered his voice a bit. "I just wanted to ask you if you are going to the meeting tonight."

Todd shrugged. "I-I don't know, Neil, I don't think it's for me."

"Why not?"

"I don't like it when everyone is looking at me, and if I read a poem, everyone _would_ look at me."

"But it's not like it's hundreds of people, it's just Charlie and Meeks and the others."

"I-I know, but still," Todd replied, averting his eyes from Neil to focus on his hands. "I just don't want to spoil the fun, you know?"

Neil shook his head as if Todd had just told him the most ridiculous thing. "Are you kidding? You wouldn't spoil anything, Todd. It would be totally fine if you just sat with us and listened." This made Todd look up and meet his eyes again. "I'm not going to force you to read anything, but I'd like it if you still joined us."

"If you promise I don't have to read."

Neil got up from the desk and leaned into Todd's direction. He smiled and then said, "You're in." With a clap on Todd's shoulder he turned around and left. Todd looked after him, watching the boy go to another student near the window.

Here is the thing. Todd knew his limits, and he was glad that Neil accepted those. But he also didn't let them interfere with his plans. He seemed to always find a solution for every situation. Still watching Neil out of the corner of his eyes, a smile hushed over Todd's lips. He had been very lucky to be assigned as Neil's roommate.

Dinner and the rest of the day went by quickly, the boys' excitement made time fly. When Neil got back to his room, he found a surprise in the form of an old and battered book on his desk. _Five Centuries of Verse_ was the gilded title, and Neil immediately knew who it was from. The handwriting on the first pages confirmed it: It was Keating's copy, meant for the meetings of the Dead Poets Society. With a smile Neil put it on his shelf right next to his flashlight. He couldn't remember ever being more excited than on this day.

Lights had to be out by ten, and that they were. They were turned on about an hour later again, though, when seven of the students put on their coats and grabbed their flashlights. On tiptoes they made their way out of Welton, all of them surprised that they didn't run into any problems. As soon as the door was shut behind them and they were outside, the boys started to run towards the woods right behind the cafeteria. They were free. Free to do what they wished, free to just be boys for a while.

When they were out of earshot they all started to laugh. They had to slow down as the cold air filled their lungs and made it painful to breathe in. It was an hour to midnight and the moonlight illuminated the path in front of them. Like Keating had told them, they followed the stream to the waterfall. At a spot where the stream was only a few feet wide they jumped over it, careful not to slip on the muddy ground.

The circles of light danced across trees, bushes, and stones. Cameron got blinded for a second when Charlie shone his flashlight directly at his face – accidentally of course. "Sorry, my flashlight was looking for a hollow room filled with nothing but air. Guess it mistook your head for the cave."

"Ha ha, really funny, Charlie," Cameron said, not laughing. Meeks snorted and quickly buried his face in his sleeve to keep quiet. "What was your last grade in math again? Oh right, you almost flunked it," Cameron added.

"Guys, could you not start a fight right now?" Neil, always the voice of reason. They continued their search while the cold air was slowly crawling underneath their coats, underneath their skin.

"Neil?" Todd called after a while, pointing his flashlight at a crack in the stone in front of him. Neil walked over to him. "I think I found it." The crack in the wall was just wide enough to get through, as if it was made just for the purpose of allowing a Dead Poets Society meeting in the cave behind it.

After a quick look inside Neil turned around and called the others. "Over here, Todd found the cave!"

One after the other they entered the cave. They took a few seconds just to take it all in. An opening at the ceiling of the cave let in some of the moonlight, but other than that only the flashlights illuminated the cave. There was enough room for about ten people, maybe a few more if you don't mind squeezing.

"This is amazing," Neil whispered, and the other boys agreed.

"A bit wet, but nice."

They sat down on the cold stone, careful to sit on their coats so that they wouldn't freeze their butts off. Neil kept standing, positioning himself at the head of the cave.

"So how do we do this?" Meeks asked, eager to start. To answer the question, Neil finally got out the book that he had hidden underneath his coat all this time. He presented it to his friends, all of them trying to get a good look at the book which resulted in everyone's heads being in the way of each other.

"It's old," Knox eventually said.

"Observant as always, Knoxious," Charlie replied.

Neil held the book up in the air. "It's from Keating," he explained and opened it. "There is an opening message in it and everything. So," he cleared his throat and smiled at his friends. "I hereby reconvene the Dead Poets Society." The boys clapped and whistled at that. Todd was clapping as well, albeit a bit more hesitant than the others. He hoped that Neil hadn't forgotten about their deal.

Everyone was quiet as Neil read the opening message from Henry David Thoreau. Little did they know that everyone of them would know it by heart soon. They then took turns reading poems from the book for the next half an hour (or hour, none of the boys could actually tell). Nobody said anything when Todd passed the book directly to Pittsie when Knox handed it to him.

Even though the boys did go out at night on a school night, they were still responsible to a certain extent and ended the first meeting when Meeks wouldn't stop yawning. He kept apologizing, but secretly everyone wished to be in their warm bed right now.

Pittsie handed the book to Neil who closed it with a loud _clap_. "Until next time," he said with a smirk and put the book back to its secure place underneath his coat.

A minute later they were already running back to Welton. The movement made them all realize how cold they actually were. Neil was running at the back of the group, and Charlie beside him. "So what did you think?"

"I loved it," Charlie replied, smiling at his best friend.

"Yeah, me too." Neil lifted up his hand to hold onto his hood which didn't want to stay on his head. In front of them were Meeks, Knox, and Todd, and at one point Meeks reached over and put his hand on Todd's shoulder. Neil could make out that Todd nodded his head before Meeks retrieved his hand. At that, Neil felt a pang of jealousy in his chest. He would love to know what they were talking about.

"Still think he's cute?"

"Charlie!" Neil hissed through his teeth. He almost stumbled over a root.

Charlie laughed. "I'm just observing, that's all."

Neil looked at his friends in front of him to make sure that none of them had heard. Of course they hadn't, they were too far away. "Let's talk about that some other time, alright?"

"Absolutely," Charlie agreed.

They didn't get caught as they sneaked back into school. Floorboards and doors creaked, but nothing happened. Silently, the seven boys disappeared into their rooms.

Neil shrugged off his coat and hung it over his chair. He hid the book behind some of his shirts so the other teachers wouldn't see it. Todd was already lying in bed when Neil got under his covers. A shiver ran through him as his body was finally beginning to warm up again.

For a while Neil was just staring at the ceiling in the dark. He could hear Todd breathing in the other bed, still catching his breath after all the excitement, running, and sneaking. "I've never felt so alive," Neil said, careful to keep his voice down as everything he wanted to do was scream of joy.

Todd smiled to himself. "Me too," he said. "And thank you for keeping your promise."

"Of course, Todd. I'm glad you went with us."

Both of them, just like the other five boys, went to sleep with a smile on their faces.

+             +             +             +             +

Right after waking up the next morning Neil regretted that they decided to go to the cave at night during the week. But as soon as the memories of laughter, poetry, and even more laughter came back to him, he didn't complain about the lack of sleep. He could catch up with it on the weekend.

Neil was euphoric for the next days, a constant smile was on his face. He and his friends had found something so special and he was beyond happy that they brought the Dead Poets Society back to life. His friends seemed to share the joy, all of them were always secretly talking about their next meeting. Knox said that they should bring food and maybe something to make a fire next time.

They were all looking forward to the first English lesson after their nocturnal adventure. When Keating entered the room, his eyes met Neil's. Neil returned the knowing smile that was on his teacher's face. Even though he must have been curious, Keating never talked to them about the society again. It was as if he was staying out of it to grant the boys the freedom of doing what they wanted.

All the freedom except for assignments, of course. "I want you all to write an original poem. You have time to write it over the weekend and I can't wait to hear them all on Monday in class," Keating said at the end of his lesson on Friday. Some students groaned to show their annoyance, at which Keating just shrugged. Todd got up from his seat and happened to meet Keating's eyes. Keating smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Take this as a chance to show everyone what you are capable of creating."

Todd took this last sentence as a direct order addressed at him, mainly because of the eye contact. He had tried to write original poems before, but never liked them. And now he not only had to write a decent one but also had to present it in class? Great, no pressure.

The assignment put a damper on his mood and in the evening he found himself sitting on his bed, sulking over his notebook. It wasn't blank, but all of what had been written down was crossed out again. Somehow this was even worse than just staring at a blank page. Todd ripped out the sheet of paper, crumpled it into a ball and threw it in the direction of the garbage can. The ball managed to hit the door which was opened at that exact moment when Neil entered the room.

Neil noticed the ball of paper as it bounced across the floor. "Are you writing your poem?"

"Trying to," Todd replied, pointing at his blank notebook with the pen. "Have you written yours yet?"

"No, not yet. Waiting for a moment of inspiration," Neil replied and laughed. "Are you coming to the study room tonight?"

Todd shook his head. "I'd rather work on this here."

"Alright, see you later then." Neil grabbed his Chemistry book and left the room again.

Which left Todd alone. Alone with his thoughts, alone with his empty notebook. What was he going to write? Should he come up with a topic? Or should he just let his pen fly over the page and see where it takes him? His thoughts wandered to his family. Maybe he should write about his brother and how he was living in his shade. But did Todd want to reveal so much about himself to the whole class?

Todd groaned and kept crossing out everything he wrote down. He knew it wasn't right to force creativity, but he wanted to get this over with. He wished it was already Tuesday.

His gaze wandered around the room, settling on his desk set and then on Neil's desk. He spotted Keating's book right underneath the Math book. And just like that he got an idea. For the next few minutes his pen did not leave the paper.

He was so preoccupied with his poem that he didn't notice Neil entering the room. Realizing that he had basically bared his soul on this notebook, Todd instinctively hid it behind his back.

"Did you just hide your notebook from me?" Neil asked, raising an eyebrow.

Todd moved closer to the headboard to keep the notebook between his back and the bed. "No?"

Neil opened his mouth in amazement and huffed out a laugh. "Yes, you did. Todd Anderson, did you write a poem?" Todd shook his head. "You _did_ write one! You don't have to hide that from me. Can I see?"

"No, it's–"

Neil walked over to Todd's bed. He was so close to actually wringing his hands and going down on his knees. " _Please_ , Todd, I'm curious."

"It's not even finished yet."

"I don't mind that. It's a work in progress, maybe I can help you out."

"You really don't have to, Neil."

"Then at least show me."

"I'd rather not, no."

"What do you mean, _no_?"

Todd laughed and shook his head again. "No, I won't show you."

Neil squinted at him and there was a mischievous smirk on his face, which made Todd fear what he'd do next. "You won't show me," Neil said. "Guess I have no other choice but to take it from you." Suddenly he was jumping into Todd's direction and onto the bed, trying to grab the notebook from behind his back. Todd yelped at the sudden impact and intuitively held onto his notebook like for dear life.

"Fine," Neil huffed and raised his arms, admitting defeat – or so Todd thought. Neil grabbed after the notebook again, this time from both sides. What he didn't think of is that it would bring him close to Todd, _really_ close. He would only have to lean his head forward a few centimeters and his face would be so close to Todd's face that he could just–

Neil tried to stop his train of thought, but it was happening. He was thinking about kissing Todd. _Damn._

Todd didn't seem to notice anything of what was going on in Neil's head, or at least he didn't show. "Why are you so keen on seeing it?" he asked.

Neil's eyes wandered to Todd's mouth for a brief moment as he talked. The possibility of a kiss made his heart flutter and he had a hard time trying not to blush. "Because," he stumbled, "I'm convinced that it's good. Come on, Todd. Show me."

"How can I when you're holding onto my arms?"

Neil pursed his lips. "Fair point. In that case, promise me you'll do it."

Todd sighed and rolled his eyes – Neil had never seen Todd act so dramatic. He was delighted. "Fine, I will show you." Hesitantly, Neil leaned back to give Todd more space. "I promise, Neil, I _will_ show it to you," Todd insisted.

"Alright," Neil replied. It was confusing, he wanted to be close to Todd but he also feared being that close to someone. His racing heartbeat (and how close he was to actually kissing Todd) was something he'd have to think about eventually, but not now, not yet. He also remembered that he wanted to talk with Charlie about this.

"You'll hear my poem in class," Todd clarified, finally daring to get the notebook out from behind his back. "Will you show me yours when you've written it?"

"I'll show you mine and then you'll show me yours?" Neil asked, still trying to end the thought _I have a crush on…_ with any other word than _Todd_. Was this what was happening? _Dammit_. "Don't think so. I'm not trusting you, Todd Anderson."

"You'll hear it on Monday," Todd said. "Probably," he added quietly and looked down at his notebook. He honestly didn't know if he'd finish it until then. Writing a poem was even harder than he thought.

"Fine," Neil replied, mumbling and sitting down on his own bed. "Be like that."

Todd leaned forward and put the notebook back on his desk. He noticed that Neil was avoiding eye contact with him. "Neil?" Todd asked carefully, but Neil didn't make any sign that he took notice of Todd. "You're not actually mad at me, are you?"

The tone of Todd's voice made Neil turn around and look at his friend in disbelief. "Are you serious?" Todd just shrugged and the look on his face meant, _Would I ask you if I wouldn't be serious?_ "Todd, no," he said and shook his head vehemently. "I'm not mad at you, I have no reason to be. You have every right to keep your poem to yourself. _Everyone_ has something they keep secret from others."

"So what do _you_ keep secret from me, then?" Todd's reply was meant as a joke, but for Neil – particularly in that very moment – it was more.

"I, uh," he said and lowered his voice, "I have some– well, there is stuff I'm not telling you, but maybe I will one day." He was hoping that Todd would leave it be. "And now," he added while getting under his covers, "let me sulk in peace because a friend I thought trusted me doesn't actually trust me."

"But–"

"I'm kidding, Todd. Don't worry about it. But if you _do_ need help with that poem, I could help you."

"Thank you."

Later that evening, when Neil was lying in his bed and staring at the ceiling again, he realized that he had goosebumps. First the euphoria from the society meetings and now a ridiculously fast heartbeat whenever he looked at Todd? This was too much.

And also, he didn't know if Todd was like him and he didn't know if Todd _liked_ him. He knew that if he never asked, he'd obviously never know, but at this moment their friendship was more important to him than that slight chance in which Todd would not freak out if Neil would tell him the truth. In the end Neil decided to just wait. If he ever wanted to tell Todd, he would know when the right moment was there.

+             +             +             +             +

Monday came sooner than Todd wanted. He had worked on finishing his poem all weekend, but he was never satisfied with the result. And he was too proud to ask Neil for help. In the end he had to tell Keating that he didn't write one to spare himself the humiliation.

But what happened then was to change Todd's life. Keating insisted on him yelling a loud and barbaric _YAWP!_ in front of everyone. Todd wished that the ground would open and swallow him up, and he wished he would have just read out his _stupid_ poem. Instead he found himself at the center of attention, his least favorite place.

"Yawp," Keating said, walking circles around his student. "You can do it, come on. Yawp!"

"Yawp," Todd said, half-heartedly – actually, not even _half_ -heartedly, more like quarter-heartedly. He felt all the stares of the other students on him, most of them laughing. Todd wished he could punch Keating for making him do this.

"Now, now, Mr. Anderson, I know that you can do it. _YAWP!_ " Keating screamed, apparently not caring about traumatizing a shy boy. He only saw the good aspect of things, no matter if it forced others to leave their comfort zone.

Todd was getting furious. He hated this moment, despised it, _loathed_ it. It was already in his top three list of moments in which he'd rather die. Keating kept talking to him, and suddenly Todd's rage and frustration overcame him and a loud scream filled the room.

Keating grinned at him, his eyes full of glee. "What did I tell you?" He grabbed Todd by the shoulders. "Now, turn around and look at our pal Whitman up there. Close your eyes and tell me what you see."

Todd did as he was told, his heart beating so fast that he was scared of actually passing out from all the adrenaline. "A madman. A hairy-toothed madman."

Laughter interrupted him and forced him to open his eyes. For a second Todd had forgotten that he was the center of attention, that everyone's eyes were on him.

"Ignore them, keep going," Keating encouraged him.

"H-his hands reach out and choke me. And all the time he's mumbling. _Truth. Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold._ " The laughter had suddenly stopped, everyone was silent and staring at Todd in amazement. " _You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream._ "

It was in that moment that Neil realized he had underestimated Todd Anderson.

Keating started to clap, sheer delight on his face. All of the other students started clapping as well and the room soon filled with cheers. And even though Todd wanted to be mad at Keating, he couldn't help but smile. He had surprised himself with what just happened. More than satisfied he went back to his seat.

"There's a poet in you after all," Keating said as a final statement.

After class there were several students Todd had never talked to who came up to him and told him how amazing he was. Todd didn't know what to do, so he just looked at the ground and mumbled, "Thank you." And of course all of his friends (he smiled when he realized that after their adventure together he considered them friends) let him know how amazed they were. Meeks and Knox did so with words, Charlie kept screaming, "Yawp! There's a hairy-toothed madman behind you!", and Neil found himself staring at Todd, more so than before.

"Todd, that was incredible!" Neil said when they were all on their way to lunch. "I've never heard anything like that. Did you really come up with that on the spot?"

"I did," Todd answered, overwhelmed by all of the attention he was given. Surprisingly, he actually didn't mind it. It was a good kind of attention.

"Incredible," Neil whispered and shook his head, still not believing what Todd was capable of. "And you really didn't write a poem? After this I can't believe it. And if at our next society meeting you don't volunteer to read, I will be disappointed."

Todd laughed. "Maybe I will, I don't know yet."

"No excuses, Todd, you're brilliant! You'd deprive all of us of the pleasure of hearing more from you if you wouldn't do it." Neil put his hand on Todd's shoulder as they walked down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs they could hear someone shout _YAWP!_ "See? Everyone is impressed, particularly Charlie. I mean, I am too, but I don't like shouting."

Later that day Todd sat down at his desk to write a letter to his family. He wanted them to know that he was doing great at Welton and that he loved the English lessons. He also told them about what had happened that day and about how he had never been more scared but also happy at the same time. What he didn't write down was anything related to the Dead Poets Society.

 _Neil was right_ , he thought. _There just are some things you want to keep secret from others._ With a smile he signed the letter and put it in an envelope. He felt like this day was the beginning of a new chapter in his life, one in which he was more confident and didn't doubt himself constantly. He couldn't wait to see what else was in store for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feel free to let me know what you think about this chapter, also if there is anything you'd like to read in this story.  
> And bless every single one of you for leaving kudos or a comment - you might not be aware of it, but it means a LOT to me! :)


	4. Five Ninety-Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil's thoughts these days seem to only revolve around Todd and Mr. Keating's words. He is filled with the need to do something, and when he finds a flyer for a Shakespeare play, he knows what he wants to do. But unbeknownst to him, it is Todd's birthday and Todd disappeared after getting a package in the mail from his parents. Neil goes out to find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *arrives late with the fourth chapter, but this time only 7 months later which is one month earlier than last time*

_Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold._ It had almost been a week now since Todd came up with this – the phrase, the poem, however you want to call it – and it just would not get out of Neil's head.

He couldn't believe that Todd had actually screamed and come up with this whole _thing_ just by looking at a photo of Walt Whitman. In class, Neil caught himself staring at said photo, which now was so much more than just a photo of a man with a love for poetry. It was an object that had inspired Todd to say such beautiful things. _Beautiful, yet haunting,_ Neil thought to himself. He remembered the goose bumps he got, not only because he had never expected Todd to be capable of doing something like that, but also because the words had struck a chord in him and Todd had somehow expressed what Neil was feeling in such a moving way.

And just like the photo in the classroom, Neil's eyes were always wandering and eventually landing on Todd, no matter where they were. He was careful, though, and barely moved his head so that Todd would not notice. But sometimes Todd would look up, whether that was because he could feel Neil's eyes on him or just of his own accord, and every time their eyes met Neil could feel his heart leap and his cheeks warming up. It was as if his heart reached up and made him turn scarlet just to make him realize how he was feeling about Todd.

"You're staring."

Neil dropped his pencil at the remark, but he heaved a sigh of relief when he realized it was only Charlie. "Hm?" he replied, averting his eyes from Todd and looking at his best friend next to him.

"Your homework is not going to write itself, Neil."

"I'm working on it," Neil mumbled and picked up the pencil again, twiddling it between his thumb and middle finger.

"You're staring at Todd, _that's_ what you're doing," Charlie said with a smirk. "And as far as I know, that is not what Keating assigned us to do." He looked so satisfied that Neil would have loved to wipe that smug smirk off his face.

"I'm _working_ ," Neil repeated, emphasizing the last word by bringing the tip of his pencil close to the paper. He felt like the eyes of everyone in the room were on them, which, in fact, they were not, but that did not stop Neil from being paranoid.

Charlie elbowed him and leaned a bit closer. "Relax, nobody noticed," he said. "Except me, of course," he added and wiggled his eyebrows. "I always notice when love is in the air." Neil gave him a slight kick underneath the table before they were interrupted by a loud groan of complaint.

"For crying out loud, Charlie, can't you be quiet for just one minute?" At the other end of the table, Cameron was looking at him and pointing at the book in front of him. "There are people in this study room that would actually like to study."

Charlie lifted his hands in defense. "I'm sorry, I was just talking about something very important with Neil," he replied, and everyone looked at Neil as if on cue. Embarrassed, Neil quickly averted his eyes. He feared that if somebody were to look into them, they could see his thoughts. "But I believe we just finished our conversation, so please, continue with your work."

Cameron rolled his eyes and shook his head before leaning over his textbook again. He continued to explain something in Latin which was probably very important because everyone else's attention was on him again. Neil kicked Charlie for a second time that evening underneath the table, just for good measure.

+             +             +             +             +

The following days were both torture and the best days of Neil's life so far. He could hardly sleep, he had trouble focusing on his homework, and his thoughts were always wandering off. But – and it was a big _but_ – he had found something that filled him with such glee and excitement that he would have loved to stand on top of a mountain and scream his lungs out. He was brimming with hope and confidence, and it was a feeling Neil had never felt before.

And all of that was because of three things: Mr. Keating, Todd, and a flyer that he had spotted on the notification board next to the telephone downstairs. These three things had awoken something inside of Neil that was getting difficult to ignore.

Keating had left a great impression on Neil and continued to do so with every English lesson. Neil took up every word of his and wanted to make it his own, to live by it. Just the other day, Keating made all of his students walk around outside however they wanted in order to illustrate the importance of individuality, of non-conformity, of daring to be yourself. Even if you have a dire need and wish to be accepted by others, you should believe in yourself and find your own path. _Taking the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference_ , that was exactly what Neil wanted to do.

And the impression that Todd had already left on Neil after a few weeks was similarly life changing. Todd was not like him, at least in the way that Neil was not scared to put himself out there, to stand in the spotlight. Neil felt like Todd made him more sensitive, more protective, and more open. And something else entirely that he would only admit to himself in his own head concerned Neil's feelings towards Todd.

And lastly, the flyer he found the day before. The flyer on the wooden board, usually full of boring news and announcements, had caught his eye. _A Midsummer Night's Dream – open tryouts_. Not even thinking much about it, he ripped the flyer off the board, and as he started to ran upstairs to his friends he was dimly aware of the sound the thumbtack made when it fell to the floor and bounced a few times before coming to a halt.

Like Keating encouraged his students to do, like Todd had already done, Neil wanted to take this opportunity to do something solely for himself, something that brought him joy and that he wanted to share with his friends. _Acting_. He wanted to make them all proud, particularly Keating and Todd. But more importantly, he wanted to make himself proud, wanted to prove the voice in his head wrong that had kept telling him for the past years that he should do what was expected of him. But not anymore. In retrospect, the voice had sounded exactly like his father's.

"Charlie," Neil called out and waved the flyer in his hand up and down when he spotted his best friend in the middle of the hallway. Neil was beaming at him, his smile reaching his eyes and making them glisten. Even a stranger would be able to tell how happy he was about the decision he had just made. "I'm going to act."

Charlie returned the smile but there was also a hint of confusion on his face. "What? You're going to act?"

"Yes!" Neil almost screamed, holding the flyer with his hands on two sides and almost ripping the paper apart. "They're putting on a play at Henley Hall and they have open tryouts!"

The look on Charlie's face changed from confusion to concern. "And what are your parents going to say about that?"

For a brief second Neil's smile faltered and then he shook his head. "Is that really the first thing that comes to your mind? Who cares what my parents think, Charlie, I'm gonna _do_ it."

"But don't you need your parents' permission?"

"I don't give a damn. As if you've never faked your father's handwriting."

"Me?" Charlie gasped exaggeratedly. "I would never!"

Neil hit him with the rolled up flyer and then folded it open again, just to look at it again. He let his eyes skim over the words, the title and the location. "I haven't been this excited about anything since we found out about the Dead Poets Society! We found something _so_ special and this–" he stopped and suddenly his eyes got this glaze in them. "This is special, too."

Charlie looked at the flyer in his best friend's hands. How could a single piece of paper make Neil _this_ happy and euphoric? Charlie had to admit, he was scared a little bit. Going against your father? Doing something that you know he would not approve of? That takes guts. And with that thought, a sudden wave of pride and joy hit Charlie and he had to keep himself from hugging Neil and telling him how brave he was and that he deserved to be happy. But, surrounded by other students in the hallway, all that Charlie did was put his hand on Neil's shoulder and smile at him reassuringly. "Neil, I know you can do this, and I want you to pursue your dreams."

"You sound like Keating."

"Yeah well," Charlie replied and shrugged. "That's not a bad thing."

Neil smiled at Charlie, thankful to have his support. "I'm going to tell Todd now."

"Of course you are," Charlie said and laughed. "I'm surprised you didn't tell him before me."

Neil's cheeks turned scarlet and he hoped that Charlie wouldn't notice because he would never let him forget it. "I saw you first, and besides, Todd is not number one on my best friends list, _you_ are."

Charlie clutched his heart. "Aw, you're sweet," he said in such a tone that Neil would have loved to punch him with his flyer again. "Although… Todd is number one on an entirely different list, isn't he?"

And even though Neil knew by the wiggling of Charlie's eyebrows what he was hinting at, he still asked, "And which one would that be?"

"Oh, you know. People I find cute, people who I stare at longingly when I think nobody is watching, people I'd like to kiss, people who I'd like to press against a wall and–"

The flyer hit Charlie right on top of his head. "Charlie, oh my god!"

"But you don't even know how I was going to finish that sentence, Neil! I was going to say, people who I'd like to press against a wall," he paused, savoring this moment, "and tell them how much they mean to me."

"Of course that was how you were going to end that sentence."

"It was!" Charlie insisted. But then, just like Neil expected, a smirk appeared on his lips and he added, "And, you know, do some other stuff."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't. I think you want to press _me_ against a wall and tell me how much I mean to you."

"So," Neil played along, "what number do you think you are on this list? If Todd is number one, which one are you?"

Charlie crossed his arms and scratched his chin, a gesture very reminiscent of Sherlock Holmes. "Hm, something in the top five at least, maybe even number two. I believe I'm gonna have to fight Todd for the first spot now."

"Do you _want_ to be number one on that list? I'm getting mixed signals here."

"You know, as long as my name is on top of your best friends list, Todd can have this one."

"Right now you're occupying number one on my list titled 'people I regret becoming friends with'."

"Don't make me push you up against a wall and tell you how much you mean to me!"

Neil rolled his eyes and pushed Charlie aside who was cackling with delight. Even if it didn't show in that moment, Neil loved Charlie. But now he really wanted to tell Todd. What was he going to say? Did he like acting? Judging by how much he laughed whenever Keating acted out scenes in class, he definitely enjoyed watching others.

"Todd?" Neil stopped in the door to his room when he saw that the room was empty. He noticed that Todd's chair was not pushed neatly underneath his desk. Instead, it was turned sideways, as if someone had left in a hurry and didn't have the time or care to push it back. And after sharing this room with Todd for several weeks now, Neil knew that this was uncommon for Todd.

Neil quickly threw the flyer on his bed and turned around. He spotted Meeks, who was carrying a device that had lots of wires coming out of it into his room. "Hey, Meeks! Do you know where Todd is?"

Meeks put one leg up to rest the device on it before he turned around to Neil. "Uh no, I haven't seen him in a while. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just don't know where he is."

"Maybe Knox knows. I saw them talk earlier."

"Thanks," Neil said and immediately hurried over to Knox's room. For whatever reason, Neil was worried about Todd. He was not usually one who just ran off. "Knox? Have you seen Todd?"

Knox was sitting on his bed and sorting through what looked like letters. He looked up briefly and then went back to whatever he was doing. "He got a package in the mail and then he just left," he said. "I saw him sitting on one of the walkways outside, maybe he's still there."

"Thanks, Knox." Neil tapped against the doorframe before making his way outside. The thought came to him that he didn't tell Meeks or Knox about his acting plans, but that he wanted to tell Todd first. He told himself that he would tell the others after he would get the part. Neil chuckled quietly as he realized that he thought about acting not as a matter of if at all, but rather as a matter of time. Standing on a stage, wearing a costume, reciting Shakespeare and bringing a play to live? Simply imagining this had Neil's heart beating faster. He would do anything to make that happen and to constantly look forward to the future, to always be this excited.

When Neil left the building he was met with a warm breeze. It felt like getting a hug on the otherwise rather chilly afternoon. And just when he contemplated going back to get his coat, he spotted Todd.

Todd was sitting on the ground of the walkway, his back against the wall and his arms slung around his legs, pulling them to his chest. This posture made him look small, as if he didn't want to be noticed. In fact, Neil would have totally overlooked Todd if he hadn't been outright looking for him. And because Neil didn't know whether Todd would rather be alone for whatever reason, he stopped a few feet away from him.

"Todd?" he asked hesitantly. "Are you alright?" Todd lifted up his head and met Neil's eyes, only now noticing that some had approached him. Instead of answering, he looked at the cardboard box that was on his left side. "What is that?" Neil asked.

Taking a deep breath, Todd pulled his legs closer to his chest. Whatever it was, it made him leave his room to sit by himself. "It's a birthday present."

The answer was unexpected, and Neil was "Is today your birthday?" he asked, and Todd nodded. Neil tried to smile, but the sad look on Todd's face kept his smile from reaching his eyes. "Happy birthday," he said nonetheless, his voice soft and quiet. Or perhaps he said it _because_ of the sad look on Todd's face. It was likely that that was the first happy birthday Todd heard that day.

"Thanks," Todd said and pressed his lips together, almost smiling.

"So, is that from your parents?" Neil pointed at the box. The cardboard had been ripped open on the top but had been closed again, keeping what was inside out of view. What kind of present was in there that Todd didn't even bother to get it out?

"They, uh–" Todd replied, gesturing towards the box with a miserable look on his face. "They sent me the same thing as last year." He lowered his head and looked at his hands, picking at his nails. He was so obviously disappointed and sad that Neil felt a pang in his chest. Nobody deserved to be unhappy on their birthday, especially not Todd.

"May I?" Neil asked and walked towards the box. He kneeled down in front of it, and when Todd nodded he opened the box and peeked inside.

"I haven't even unwrapped it yet," Todd said. And to Neil's delight he moved his legs so that he was sitting cross-legged, as if he was still keeping to himself but at the same time not warding off Neil. It was a glimmer of light in total darkness. That was something that Neil had actually noticed before, that when Todd first came to Welton he kept to himself, always making himself the smallest he could be. But after some time he dared to be more open, he would extend his legs, let his arm rest on the back of his chair, and he would visibly show that he was comfortable around Neil.

"Is this–" Neil began as he lifted up what was inside the box, "a desk set?"

"Not only that, but it's exactly the same desk set they gave me last year."

"Really?" Neil stared at the present in disbelief and lowered it back into the box.

Todd sighed. "And I didn't even like it then. And now I'm just–" He lifted his hands and let them fall back on his legs, at a loss for words. "I'm disappointed."

Neil sat down next to the box, facing Todd. He watched him closely, noticing the sad look in Todd's eyes and the way his shoulders slumped. He hated seeing him like that. "I'm sorry, Todd," he said, not knowing what else to say in this situation.

"My parents don't care about me, Neil, and this proves it. The only thing they care about besides themselves is my brother. It's Jeffrey this, Jeffrey that. And they expect me to be exactly like him, which is why they sent me here, but–" Todd stopped for a brief moment and lowered his voice when he added, "I'm not like him."

"They shouldn't expect that from you, Todd, it's just wrong. You should be allowed to be your own person, and your parents should be proud of you and love you, no matter what."

Todd laughed, the idea obviously amusing him. "Is that what your parents do? But that doesn't change anything, my parents have been like this ever since I can remember. Do you know what my father used to call me when I was younger?"

"What?"

"Five ninety-eight," Todd replied, and because Neil looked at him with raised eyebrows he added, "That's what all the chemicals in your body would be worth if you bottled them up and sold them. At least that's what my father said I was worth."

"Did he actually say that?" Neil asked, and Todd nodded. And for the first time in his life Neil thought that the first spot on the _Worst Fathers_ list did not just belong to his own father. "That's nonsense, Todd! The worth of our body does not define us, it's about what we _do_. And our bodies don't belong to our parents, they belong to _us_. _We_ decide what we do and what we don't do." As he was saying this, he realized that he wasn't only saying it for Todd but for himself as well.

"You sound just like Keating," Todd said and couldn't stop a smile from appearing on his lips. It was still a sad smile, but there was a hint of joy and gratitude in it.

Neil shrugged his shoulders, returning the smile. "I think he's rubbing off on me."

"You're not the only one," Todd mumbled, and then his eyes were drawn back to the box with the desk set in it, its presence putting a damper on his mood. "But you're right, Neil, and I wish my parents would see it the same way you do. But they just don't understand me. They don't even _want_ to understand me."

The smile on Neil's face faltered. This conversation hurt him deeply, made both his heart and his head ache. "I understand you," he replied, as this was exactly how he felt about his own parents.

"I'm not as outgoing as Jeffrey, or as smart. My whole life I've been compared with him, and my parents never even gave me the chance to be myself. They just don't care about me. And they don't know about the _real_ me. They have no idea about what I want to do with my life, and they don't know about the Dead Poets Society and what it means to me. They don't know that I–" He stopped, although Neil could tell by the sharp intake of breath that he had intended to go on but stopped himself. The sudden silence was deafening, and for a while neither of them said anything. Neil couldn't recall ever hearing Todd talk more than on this afternoon.

Deep in thoughts, Todd just stared at his hands. He could hear his parent's voices in his head, telling him who he was supposed to be and expressing their disappointment in him. Neil looked down at his own hands with an equally sad look on his face, almost as though he could hear the voices, too.

After a while Neil broke the silence, his voice soft and reassuring as an attempt to lighten the mood, to bring back the smile on Todd's face that he liked seeing so much. "I know you," he began. "I know that you like rowing, writing, and creating things. I also know that you're incredible and that there is something inside of you that wants to just burst out and show the world who Todd Anderson is and what he is capable of."

Neil sounded so sincere that Todd raised his head and looked at him. A smile appeared on his face, although it was gone in an instant. But it had been there, and that was all that mattered.

Suddenly, Neil had an idea. He got up, opened the box again, and got out the desk set. He lifted it up, swinging it into his hands, and he was about to tell Todd how aerodynamic this present seemed when he heard a thud as something fell to the ground in front of him.

"What's that?" Todd asked, confused, and he looked down at Neil's feet. A package was lying there, wrapped in indigo blue paper with a red ribbon around it. It was much smaller than the desk set.

"Another birthday present?" Neil asked, and he put down the desk set to pick up the package. He gave it to Todd who stared at it in his hands as if it was something alien. Above everything, this was unexpected. Todd loosened the ribbon, letting it fall into his lap, and he didn't rip the paper in the slightest when he unwrapped it. Just a few seconds later he held a book in his hands.

The cover was dark green and it was decorated with gilded lines that framed the book. Todd recognized the title and author immediately, also gilded and shimmering in the afternoon sun. There was a big _W_ on the front, surrounded by branches and leaves as though it was alive and growing. It was a copy of Walt Whitman's _Leaves of Grass_. Todd turned the book over and let his right hand run across the back. He noticed that the edges of the pages were a light brown, a sign of years standing on a sunlit bookshelf. It was used, but beautiful nonetheless.

"Wow," Todd whispered, too engrossed in staring at the book in disbelief to notice the surprised look on Neil's face. With delicate fingers he opened the book as if it was the most precious thing he had ever held in his hands. Maybe it was. A letter fell out, landing next to Todd on the ground. It simply said _Todd_ on the front, the letters slanted and written in blue ink. He grabbed it with a puzzled look on his face, just as he had grabbed the present only a moment ago. He ran a finger through the envelope to open it and took out a piece of paper that had been folded twice. He unfolded it, letting his eyes wander over the writing. He stopped when he read who it was from. "It's from my brother," he said, his astonishment clear in his voice.

"What did he write?" Neil asked, kneeling down in front of Todd. He picked up the book from Todd's leg and inspected it with such caution as if it was the first book he had ever seen.

Todd took a while to read the letter, his eyes jumping from one line to the next, taking everything in. His face was a stage for all of the emotions he went through while reading, showing surprise, delight, sadness, and relief. He looked overwhelmed. "He, uh," Todd began, blinking repeatedly, waiting for the letter to disappear from his hands to reveal that all of this was not real, just a mirage. Because how could it possibly be real? His brother had always been rather distant. "He wishes me a happy birthday, and–" Todd laughed, and Neil could see his eyes watering. Todd wiped at them, removing the tears before they had any chance of rolling down his cheeks. "He wrote that he saw this book in a shop and that it made him think of me. He remembered that I mentioned Walt Whitman in my last letter home." Todd huffed out another laugh. It was clear that the letter was far more valuable to him than the book. "I didn't even know that he reads my letters."

Neil sat there in silence. A few minutes ago he had despised Todd's family, but now he was thankful that Todd's brother had written this letter and found that book. _'Thankful' doesn't even begin to describe it_ , Neil thought as his eyes wandered from the letter in Todd's hands to Todd's face. There was the smile that Neil loved so much, the smile that reached Todd's eyes and made him glow. It was in that moment that it dawned on Neil that he cared about Todd's happiness… a lot. A this-feeling-I-have-is-definitely-more-than-friendship-oh-god-what-am-I-gonna-do lot.

Neil cleared his throat. "See? We always only focus on the bad things in life, sometimes completely oblivious to all of the good things that are happening as well."

Todd nodded, and he read the letter a second time, still in disbelief.

"Maybe our lives will turn out better than we tend to think," Neil said quietly.

"Maybe they will," Todd replied, folding the letter and putting it back in the envelope. He looked up at Neil and their eyes met. They each saw hope.

"Wanna go back inside? It's getting cold out here," Neil said, suddenly feeling the autumnal cold when the sun went down. Todd nodded and stood up, book in one hand and letter in the other. Without question, Neil grabbed the box with the desk set and carried it back to their dorm.

"Thank you, Neil," Todd said, both for carrying the box and for sitting down with him to talk. He felt immensely better, and he had to admit that this was the best he had ever felt on his birthday.

"No problem. I feel bad for not having a present for you, though. You should have said something."

Todd grinned and shrugged. "I didn't know if you cared enough."

Neil slowed his walk and looked at Todd over the rim of the box. "Of course I care! You're my roommate, you're my _friend_ , so of course I care about your birthday."

"Well, now you know."

"A bit too late, don't you think?"

"Too late for what?" They had reached their room, and Neil put down the box between Todd's closet and his desk.

"For getting you a present! For planning a celebration!" Neil gasped loudly and he grabbed Todd by the arm. "The next society meeting," he said as if what he meant was obvious. His grip tightened. "We'll celebrate the next time we all meet, with cake and presents and all! You deserve that, Todd," Neil added, grinning widely.

Todd laughed nervously, making his way towards his bed and putting the letter back between the pages of the book. He hadn't said it, but he had kept his birthday a secret because he didn't want a whole day to just be about him. But a celebration with his friends in the cave actually sounded nice. And besides, maybe he would read something from Whitman's book, the idea of that suddenly not sounding scary anymore. "If you say so," he said, trying to sound nonchalant.

"It's gonna be great, Todd!" Neil said, and his gaze landed on the desk set that was on Todd's desk. Now, knowing the story behind it, Neil wanted to fling it out of the window.

Suddenly he remembered why he had looked for Todd in the first place. He turned around on his feet and grabbed the flyer from his bed, presenting it to Todd by holding it up to his face. "I'm going to act!" he proclaimed, seemingly out of nowhere.

"What is that?" Todd said and squinted at the flyer, taking it out of Neil's hands to get a better look at it.

"They are looking for people for their play at Henley Hall," Neil said. "They're putting on _A Midsummer Night's Dream_! And I'm going to audition."

Todd's eyes skimmed over the words on the flyer. "That sounds amazing! Have you ever acted before?"

"Not really, but I've always wanted to try it," Neil replied, grinning from ear to ear.

Todd handed the flyer back to him, feeling his heart jump when his fingers touched Neil's. "Carpe diem," he said, raising one eyebrow and smiling at the other boy.

Neil's eyes lit up. "Carpe diem!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for leaving comments and kudos on this fic! I appreciate that a lot :)  
> Let me know what you thought of this! And for next time, be prepared, it will be really gay.


End file.
